Your mental/emotional wellbeing

Many people say that your sex drive is like a barometer for your general wellbeing.

Because, a drop in libido isn’t random.

It’s a message from your vagina, head and heart indicating that something isn’t right.

Quite often, that’s around your mental and emotional wellbeing.

(a barometer measures air pressure and indicates when there’s a change in the weather).


When I experienced a lengthy dip in desire, everything pointed to how busy, tired and stressed I felt.

I felt faded , frayed, numb..

Ultimately, I realised that stress and anxiety were the main things that killed my sex drive.

That’s because your sexual energy is like a life force. It’s vibrant, beautiful, burning- it’s what gets you out of bed, fosters creativity, drive and passion.

Without it, life and you can feel empty.

So, being emotionally healthy often means being sexually healthy too.

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Learning about what dampens desire within your mind is a great starting point to knowing how to manage a low libido.

There are three main culprits that impact on our mental wellbeing, that then decrease our desire. These are:

  • stress
  • anxiety
  • and depression

There’s often a silence around these issues in our society- it can feel taboo to speak about them or to admit we’re not coping.

Add to that a lack of sex, and if you try and talk about it to others (especially British people!) we’re basically like this:


I found it hard to even talk to friends about this.

By the way, turns out when you do, SO many women feel the same.


Stress was the one for me.

It’s like once I even feel an ounce of stress my vagina vacates the premises and goes AWOL.


Stress is REALLY important because it has an evolutionary function to purposefully close down any desire we have for sex.

So there’s a direct correlation. And learning more about how stress is able to do this, and how you can outsmart stress to restore your libido, is key.

Begin here with my blog post “three things I’ve learned about stress and sex drives”.

There’s also a really great #sexdrivestories post about the stress of having sex and conceiving which is really interesting and an area we don’t often discuss.

I’d recommend that if you’re feeling stressed, to also check out the part on the blog about physical health regarding exercise.

I know, I also want to punch myself in the face for saying it, but exercise is honestly a great way to improve your sex drive, mainly because by doing so we “outrun” our stress and trick our minds into producing the hormones needed for sex again.

Additionally, many of us are stressed because our lifestyles are just SO busy.

It’s worth checking out the section on your lifestyle, especially the parts on being too busy for sex/to feel sexy. Stress and lifestyle patterns are often interconnected, so although learning about the biology is good, we’ll also need some help in shifting around your day to help you find more time to connect with yourself.

Good luck!



If you ticked anxiety as an issue within the sexual wellness wheel, welcome.

I also suffer with anxiety, and it makes sex so much flipping harder!

There are soooooooo many issues that anxiety can creep into within the bedroom, from your body confidence to staying present, experiencing performance anxiety in the moment and worry about trying new things or asking for what you want in bed. It’s like rising damp- insidious, hard to catch and even more difficult to stop.

I’ve written a lot about anxiety as it’s often still quite stigmatised, misunderstood and not widely spoken about. Couple this with sex drive issues (which invariably many people experience) and as a nation we’re almost totally silent.

Knowing how anxiety can close down your sex drive, and what female performance anxiety is, are really important concepts to begin this journey.

Perhaps more importantly, knowing how to manage anxiety and improve your sex drive was one of the most important findings in my journey.

Find out about how coffee can impact on your sex drive and what happens when I gave it up here.

Click here for six tips to manage anxiety and increase your sex drive.

Or how about an article on Star Wars… how to use the force to stay present?

Also, how using lube or pleasuring your partner first can be good solutions for feeling anxious.

With anxiety, as mentioned it spreads across into other areas. So if you’re here because that’s your experience, I’d also recommend checking out the other blog sections on control and initiation under the Relationship patterns and habits, body image and self-esteem as well as the section on being present.

Check out the useful resources page for more general resources and support on managing anxiety.

Happy reading 🙂


So I haven’t managed to write much about depression because this isn’t my lived experience. However depression, and the medication for it, can have a huge impact on our desire for sex and, well, anything.
An amazing blogger named Jo Ellen Notte writes about sex and depression on her site Redhead Bedhead. I’d encourage you to check her out, and hope I can get more content on here soonish 🙂

If you’re following the whole wellness wheel, you’re on element two now. How’s it going? Let me know in the comments.



What next? It’s time to move on to element three- being present. You lucky thing!



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